Tag Archives: love

Lesbian as a Blessing

Goddess I was so turned on today.

I could not get my (hairy, be-cunted, female) partner out of my mind.  Her thighs and where they come together.  The feel of her clit in my mouth and her round belly in my arms.  How wet she gets–I marvel at how wet she gets!  The shape of her hands.  The curve of her waist.  The texture of her beard.  Female is gorgeous.  Lesbian sex is from heaven.  Blessed be.

I look back on my old self–and, self-consciously, on my old posts here–and see the me that was with men, was exploring women, was wanting to be Lesbian but was afraid to claim it, not sure I deserved it.  I AM glad that I took time with it, didn’t take the word while I was with a man or soon after.  Thought about it.  Took care.  Treated it as sacred.

I pray that I may be able to have sex with many more women in my life, whether in a poly context or after my current relationship (or maybe I’ll have sex with my current partner for many many years, and that would be fine too).  If it pleases the Goddess, I’d like to worship at her altar.  In my first relationship, I was the novice–a la nuns–in my trial period, not ready to take my solemn vows.  Three years into that relationship, I finally called myself a Lesbian with conviction.  And now in my second relationship–yes sisters!–if there were a Lesbian Sisterhood I could make vows to, I would.  I would vow my adoration and service.  And chastity (at least in the hetero sense).  The Goddess works in mysterious ways.  I did not ask for this, but S/she came to me.  And came, and came.

At the time it was a choice.  Now it seems inevitable.  Hindsight.  I am not willing to let go of the choice, though.  Without the choice, it would not have happened for me.  You can choose.  I need you to know that.  Still, not everyone is ready, not yet.  I think that can be true too.  Be quiet if you must.  Listen to yourself.  Are you ready to do this?  Without hurting your sisters?  Will you dig out the misogyny and heterosexism–the patriarchy–and light them on fire, and worship her body in the alchemical glow of their destruction?  How much do you want her?  How much do you want Her?  She wants you.

I look back on my only certainty being that what was given to me was not grown by me.  I did not know if I could love or desire a woman, but I knew I had to try.  It has been worth it.  For all the pain of that first relationship/breakup (still a current pain), I know she was the perfect one to show me this part of me.  I am so much more than I ever imagined because I loved this woman.  Sex, desire, love–all deepened tenfold when I let myself be a Lesbian.

And the desire that I wasn’t sure was possible, then wasn’t sure was real, then wasn’t sure I deserved–it is now a daily blessing I take for granted.  The pulling ache in my clit when I think of my lover’s mouth.  The breath that steals out when I feel her tighten around my fingers.  The space between us that is full of magic as we pause, and pause…and succumb.  I want to tell my past self: “Don’t worry.  You found it.”

Deprogramming How-To

Here’s a little something I posted on Tumblr, but I think I’ll put it here too.  I  have found quitting porn, quitting violent fantasies, and learning attraction to women to be interconnected.  Love women.  Love yourself.

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Want to stop watching porn?  Just stop; that’s the easy part.  I did.  The harder part is quitting masturbating to fantasies of abuse.  And it is super hard when you start this deprogramming.  You and your culture have wired your brain to respond to degradation, and change is not instantaneous.  It takes actual mental effort to imagine people being loving and kind mutually powerful and mentally and physically present…and then convince your brain to find that stuff exciting.  But the good news is, if you’re patient with yourself and keep at it, it really works.  You rewire your brain.  The new pathways replace the old.

Finding yourself going down the same pathways?  As soon as you notice it, before giving yourself a chance to think about it, interrupt whatever you’re doing to break the spell.  Jump out of your chair, sit up in bed.  Start singing a silly song, out loud, to yourself.  Or say “Stop!” out loud.  Or maybe “Fuck patriarchy!” for good measure.  And now that you’ve interrupted, redirect.  Do something physical.  Go get a snack, go to the bathroom.  Play with your cat.  Trim your toenails.  Shoot some hoops.  It gets your brain out of where it was.  You are not trapped there.  You create new possibilities, new pathways.  You are literally building new connections in your brain.  Each time you do it, it makes it a little easier the next time.

Remember, just because something is inside you, doesn’t mean it’s yours, doesn’t make it native.  “We have all been seriously messed with,“ as Carolyn Gage has said.  We don’t have to be ashamed.  We can kick the colonizers out of our heads and still love the heck out of ourselves.  In fact, those things seem pretty compatible to me.