The neighbors make yucky sounds.

After gaining some awareness of the violence in intercourse, the ways it is used to harm women, the eroticization of this harm and therefore of intercourse, and the eroticization of a gendered power imbalance, I have had a shift in my attraction for men.  That is, I have the attraction less (or “attraction” because I’m not sure it’s real attraction), and I also analyze it.  Where in the past I might have got all “turned on” and “hot” to be in a man’s embrace, now it’s more like “I notice that I am in a very vulnerable position. Ah, blood seems to be flowing to my vagina, which has positive associations for me.  I would very much like this man to satisfy himself on my body.  Hm, I’m experiencing this encounter through his body instead of through my own, which is a kind of dissociation.  Yeah, do it!  I’m going to have a rape fantasy now…rape fantasies are fucked up.  OK, men’s chests look weird.”

There’s this neighbor that I used to/occasionally have a crush on.  These days it’s less “He looked at me, I’m palpitating!” and more “O hai asshole.  I see you are hot today, aka you could overpower me.  I’m going to think about you fucking me now.  You jerk.”  I go back and forth between thinking he’s gross and thinking he’s hot; it goes hand-in-hand with whether I’m subjectifying or objectifying myself that day.  It’s an internal struggle between my feminist politics and my Stockholmed femininity, having the thoughts that I detest and simultaneously observing myself having those thoughts.  Makes me feel dirty.

However.  I do take it as a sign of progress when I can hear said hot neighbor having bed-shaking intercourse next door (the walls are thin), and all I think is how gross it is.  You lose some, you win some.

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One thought on “The neighbors make yucky sounds.

  1. sellmaeth

    Interesting. I like how you are able to differentiate between “turned on” and “wanting to have sex with that person”. It is completely different, yet most people don’t seem to talk about it. Maybe don’t even realize.

    Reply

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